I suppose this would help explain the headaches....

Sometimes, I swear it feels like I shouldn't be here.  Not in like a 'I'm depressed' way, but in 'how many things can go wrong before something kills me?' way.

Like, no one knows how long I've been having seizures.  All I know is it's been official since I was 17.  I've had enough head injuries to make it impossible to tell if that's why I have epilepsy or if it's caused genetically.  I may have been having them since I was born, or they might not have started till later on in life.  I guess it's not a big deal until you think about the actual semantics of it and the fact that it's literally an electrical storm inside your head.  Electricity at certain frequencies makes things function the way they're supposed to, but too much and it starts destroying things, like neurons and brain cells and the like.  The longer epilepsy continues untreated, the more chance of some kind of brain damage.

During the battery of tests it was discovered that I'm missing the set of arteries in my brain that connect the two major arteries that run through your body.  This means that I have two separate blood supplies going to the front and back of my brain.  The connecting arteries are a failsafe in the occurrence of a stroke, so that blood from the unaffected part of the brain can still flow around to the other side.  In my case, I have a stroke, I have no back up.  I die, no matter the severity of the stroke.  I get my cholesterol checked every 4 months or so to make sure that everything that can be controlled can be caught before it gets out of hand and as a preemptive measure, I've been taking aspirin daily since I was 17.  My cholesterol is wonderful, which is great.  However, I found out today that my blood pressure is not, which was shocking.  I've never had 'normal' blood pressure (120/80).  My BP has always been on the lower range of normal, usually around 70/110 or lower, and that's with adding about a pound of salt to everything.  I used to have problems with blacking out because of my BP.  I'm now being treated for high blood pressure at 23.  23!  I don't know.  I suppose this isn't a big deal to anyone other than me and my doctor, but it has me freaked out.  If this isn't the kick I need to lose weight, I don't know what is.  What kills me is every time I complain about my huge, unexplainable weight gain since I came to Germany, the doctor always tells me that gastric bypass isn't something she'd recommend.  I'm not morbidly obese, or even close! I DON'T WANT SURGERY, but dammit, figure out why I'm gaining weight when NOTHING has changed except that I'm eating healthier and exercising more! Shouldn't that be making the weight deal work the other way? I don't know.  Whatever.  I'm just so frustrated.

This isn't a 'oh, poor me' post.  It's more of 'this bothers me but I don't know how to handle it or what my reaction should be' post.