Rain on me

Every 2 minutes, another American is sexually assaulted. 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be victims of sexual assault or rape in their lifetime.
Almost 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim.
38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
28% are an intimate.
It's estimated that 60% of rapes go unreported- even more so in non-stranger rape.

I am a statistic. I am also one of those in the cases that were reported. I was never believed by anyone who had the power to do anything about it.
My counselor believes me. The victim's advocate as well. The forensic nurse that spent 6-8 hours with me, listening to my story as she got whatever evidence she could from my body believes me.

The police, however, still don't. My case will never go to trial. He will never be convicted for what he did to me. The only justice I have is not letting it destroy who I am, and my will to make it out not only alive, but as me.

I couldn't even get the court to grant me a restraining order against him. I was told by the judge to not go near him, not call him, not go to his place of business, just avoid him. And if he were to approach me, come after me? I was instructed to go the other way.

I was told by the detective to just 'admit' that I made it up, that I was jealous that he wouldn't lose his girlfriend to be with me, that I just wanted to get back at him. That I'd done this willingly and realized after the fact that I'd made a mistake, and this was my way of 'fixing' it. That I didn't really want to ruin an innocent person's life and future over my mistake.

My mistake. Yes, Next time I'll make sure to advertise that there is a possibility I'll run to the police and report it as rape. Because, you know, people like firefighters and police officers and EMT's and doctors would never do something as heinous as committing a rape.

So really, I'm just over reacting. Well, I find it interesting that El Medio told him to leave after this. Apparently they believe something is wrong. Of course, I'm just faking my trust issues, the crying and sobbing when I tell my story, the pain of having my heart, soul and everything I knew and believed ripped from me. I am just that good. At one point, I cared. I cared that they didn't believe me, I was willing to do nearly anything so that they would. Now, I don't. If they don't believe me, well that's shitty for them. I did what I was supposed to, to the best of my ability. I can't make anyone believe what they don't want to. When he does this again, that blood is on them, not me.

What I have a problem with is people's perception of rape. Most rapes are not stranger rape. 2/3 of rapes that occur are by people who are known to the victim beforehand. I was not kidnapped- I wasn't startled or taken by force. He used my trust and our relationship and past against me. He took my simple, whole hearted trust that he would not harm, or allow anyone or anything else to harm me, and turned that against me.

And even though most rapes are not instigated by a stranger, convincing a jury of an acquaintence rape is next to impossible.

This is 2008, not 1708. We as a culture and society should be past the stigmatisms that acquaintence rape just does not happen. There are monsters out there, and we are enabling them to keep doing what they're doing, to keep drugging and intoxicating and ruining lives to get what they want.

Think of all the women you know. Do you know 6? 12? 50? 100? Think of your mom, your sisters, aunts, cousins, best friends- imagine for every 6 of those women you know, at least 1 of them has either been raped or sexually assaulted, or will be in their lifetime.

True life-1 in 6 of all women will be raped or sexually assaulted at some point in their life. You may never know it. Why? This isn't just casual conversation. It's not something that just 'comes up'. It's not an acceptable topic. and I can't tell you that I know one person that went through this or something similar that isn't scared for one reason or another. I've lost people over this- not because I talked about it, but it changed me, and I couldn't stop it. And the ones I lost didn't care enough to inquire as to what was wrong, why I'd changed, and I wasn't about to use 'I was raped' as a sympathy line to keep them around.

In fact, I didn't write this to garner sympathy. I didn't do this for myself. I did this for the ones who are too afraid to speak up, who are afraid they won't be believed, or no one will listen, or that there's no one to help them. I may have gotten through this, but there is someone out there who won't. Someone who doesn't have the resources they need to live through the tragedy and survive. Those are the ones I worry about, I pain over. There is always someone there, 24/7. There are rape crisis hotlines and centers, and RAINN.org has listings of counselors and even an online help center to get you what you need. You are not the only one.


And if you've read this far, his name is Jason Scott Long. He's 27, 6'2", 180 Lbs. I don't know where he's currently living, but I'm guessing it's in Northern California, probably Chico. He's worked construction and just graduated from the fire academy, and is probably going through the POST academy to become a fire investigator. Oh yeah, and he's a cocky son of a bitch.

Shopping day!!

I finally went grocery shopping without the husband.

For those who aren't married, and don't know how huge this is, it's really monumental. Just believe me on this.

Of course, me being, well... me, I have no clue what kitchen/cooking necessities I actually need outside of salt, pepper, oil, vinegar...flour, sugar...yeah, that's about it. So I went around aimlessly, trying to find stuff that wasn't perishable that I could keep at home and use later. We also needed fresh fruit and veggies, so that went too.

And $143.83 later (and that's commissary prices!! for those non-military folk reading this, it would cost probably...oh, at least $200-225 normally.), We have food!! Our cupboards are no longer (well.. mostly) bare!! Good thing, all this food should last us a while. Hopefully. I have to remember I'm feeding a man here, so we'll see how long it REALLY lasts.

I also gave in and picked up the prepackaged cookie mixes. In an attempt to make friends around this joint, I'm going to make cookies and give a dozen to each apartment in our little complex. I'm hoping to do that tomorrow, or monday at the latest.

Tomorrow-Sunday they're having a holiday bazaar here on post, so that will give me something to do. Sat. we're planning on going to Regensberg to the IKEA, and a couple shops around the IKEA to check out furniture. I at least want curtains/blinds/something to keep prying eyes away by the time he goes downrange...which I believe is do-able.

I'm tired... and started reading Twilight yet again until the other 2 books arrive, so I need to go obsess some more ;).

Rambling.

Apparently, my husband doesn't see me as who I am. For some reason (that was made VERY apparent today, might I add), he sees me as pretty much a damsel in distress, like I need to be saved.

I have never, and will never NEED (or want, for that matter) to be saved. Puh-leese.

This might be a new way of life, for both of us-me being married to the military, and him just being married and realizing it's NOT all about him anymore. There is definitely a power struggle. The military designates him as being the number one, you're supposed to do it all for your wife, blah blah blah, and I'm neatly listed as the 'dependent'. I find that ironic, but oh well.

We were doing my inprocessing today, and he pretty much acted like I was a little lost puppy with everything we went and did. Hello-just head me in the right direction, and I can find it myself. Or don't, I'll find someone to ask. I can get by without anything, without anyone to show me the way. This has never and will never be a problem. I'm not just independent though- I'm a go-er and a do-er. I move and shake things- if it's not happening for me, then I'll make it happen. I don't wait for it to drop in my lap and then ask 'well, what do I do now?'.
About halfway through today, I think he started realizing this. I'm not a follower. Sure, I'll follow when I have to, but put me in a leadership position, and I'm off and running. That's just who I am, and I don't know if he just didn't realize that, or it scares him that I'm not going to just sit around and wait wistfully until he comes home-I'm going to be out there busting my butt, going to school, volunteering or working, and traveling to kill the time.

Either way, I'm not changing.

On other topics, my internal clock is off, not because of jetlag, but because of how little daylight we have. It doesn't get light till about 7:30-8, and is dark about 5 at the latest. I miss the sun so much.

It's also cold over here, although I was told that today (45 degrees) is great weather. Then I explained that I was from California, and got this pitiful look. I just nodded and said 'I know. It gets worse.'.

WE'RE GETTING A STARBUCKS SOON!!!!!! YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Funny how that tops my list of exciting things around here.

I talked to the University of Maryland rep here today, and called the office in Heidelberg and got that all taken care of. Now I pay my application fee and fill out an app to have an official evaluation, and then I get to take classes!! If it wasn't for my choice of doing a double major, I'd probably be done in about 3 semesters or less. However, I love self inflicted torture. So not looking forward to the stats class, writing, or history...so those will be the first taken this next semester. Lovely.

FRG MEETING!!! It's tonight. I can't wait!! I so want to meet other wives in this platoon. Ooooh goodie:) I'll be nice tonight, but anyone being a complete bitch by the next time is getting the cold shoulder and a thorough bitching out if it's taken out on me.

I also take my driving test tomorrow-FREEDOM, HERE I COME!!!

Ok, I'm going now...hope someone can make some sense of this ;)

Twilight

I picked up the first book for the flight here- and ended up reading half of it before I even left, so I bought the second as well, and finished both before I touched down in Frankfurt. Such a good series, Stephenie Meyer is an awesome writer. She really draws the reader in and makes you feel like you're a fly on the wall that can see and hear and feel everything-I actually ached for Edward and Bella, and their situation. When I found out there was a movie, well, I wasn't too sure. It takes some creative genius to create something that will hold true to the book. The trailer really has me hopeful, but I have to wait almost a month later than the US release date to catch it in the UK. I'm sooo excited over this- you don't even know. The only thing more exciting is waiting for the last 2 books to come.

In which I begin to question if it's REALLY worth the experience...

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the love of all things that are holy, sacred to the American way of life, and at the same time, keeping me sane, WHY?????


I just found out that I can't watch House, Desperate Housewives, Fringe or CSI or any other American show over here. Not even online.

I think I might die. This is torture. And complete bullshit.

Hmm... I wonder if I can still buy them off iTunes. I'll get back on that one.


EDIT: For the love of all things holy, good, sacred and just downright keeping me sane and in touch with the motherland, I CAN BUY EPISODES ON iTUNES STILL!!!!!!! YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

I might just die of joy now. I sure as hell hope they're worth the $2.99 they're going for.

But who can put a price on sanity? Not I.

I don't feel like it.

I was making dinner tonight, when I casually asked SB if he still planned on moving the bed to the other bedroom like he had stated earlier.

His response- 'I don't feel like it right now'.

The whole reason for him moving the bedroom we're in now to the other bedroom is that the one we're in has a window that faces the street-with no curtains or blinds. There are lots of people that are out there at any given time. Meaning, I can't even get dressed in my own room without being seen by who knows how many people.

I felt like saying 'well, I don't feel like making dinner'. But I'd already started. So I continued, even though I'm the one who put everything up, unpacked most of it, did the dishes, swept and mopped (although he claims to have swept. haha), and now here I am, making your dinner, and you tell me you don't feel like it?

Well, guess what I don't feel like doing tonight....ha.

Nesting

Man, I am on a roll.

Might I add, my whole life to this point, I have NEVER been an organized person. Clutter ruled my life.

It's been 72 hours (or less, actually.) since I set foot here, and today the movers brought my part of our personal goods. From 9 till now, I have unpacked, washed dishes, put everything where it belongs (mostly...still sorting out the clothes), put new sheets on the bed, as well as a comforter, swept the parts of the house that I could move things in, and was going to mop until I realized my new, wonderful Swiffer WetJet was not complete out of the box- It needs 4 AA batteries.

Soldier Boy is off to the PX to get me my damn batteries. I want a SPOTLESS house tonight, dammit.

Not to mention, I need to light a candle again. He's started smoking different cigarettes (not that I liked the smell of marlboro lights...), and they smell like SHIT. And the smell gets EVERYWHERE. Ugh. Opening a window or 5- he's been gone like 10 min, and it still smells. It's making me sick.

SB is also pissed that I stopped him from taking a shower so he could clean out the 1/2 bedroom of his million and 2 ACU's, so I could throw boxes in there. This is my timeframe, not yours. Get past it.

The domestic part is coming slowly. The cleaning is good. I've got that. Cooking... well, I burnt the cheese and pepperoni on the pizza last night, but the crust/bread part was ok. German ovens confuse the hell out of me.

SB has taken over the laundry room and I have no clue what goes on in there. For some reason he is adamant that EVERYTHING be washed daily-no joke. Some times I wish he'd just act like a damn guy.

Well I'm off to get the Mac and cheese out for dinner tonight... lol.

I had dinner with some longtime friends, and fellow army family last night.
I must say, Ohhhhhh how I miss being in North Carolina.
Don't get me wrong, I still don't like that place much, but it was a different mentality. I'm sick of telling people here in California that my husband is a soldier because 9 times out of 10 I'm going to hear about how horrible he is and what he does is murder and oh did I know that he's a rapist and a baby killer?
Yeah, news to me... did you know he also kills bad guys? Hm. They don't like hearing that.
It was nice to sit down, relax, and just not think about much of anything. The kids were adorable and kept us well entertained, although a few times I was bracing myself for screaming and crying. I did get a book on decorating tips for the apartment. I can't wait to use some of them.
4 days left.

Something To Think About

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
--John Stewart Mill--

Ankle Problems

Just when things seemed to be looking up...life sticks it's foot out and trips you. Then drops a brick on your head.
Ok, so maybe not so dramatic, but the results from the MRI of my bum ankle came back. The tendons are fine. No tendonitis, no tears.
My ligaments, however, did not come out as well. 2 of them are torn, one completely, one almost completely, and I have an anterior impingement. Which reminds me, time for my drug cocktail. Too bad it's nothing stronger that 2 Aleve and ibprofen 800.
So, seeing as how I didn't sprain it in the recent past, I have a dilemma. The last major injury I had was in 2004, when I rolled it. I took 8 months off everything, did physical therapy, the whole bit, and was told it was fine. And 4 years later, here I am. However, now, the healing process has passed me up.
So, onto physical therapy again. Doesn't heal? Sucks for me. I'll be looking for a new career, most likely behind a desk.
I'm beginning to think God does have a sense of humor.

Cars, life, and insurance.

Germany apparently has driving requirements I've never needed to be aware of. Since I'm moving there, however, I'm finding this out. Like the fact that all vehicles must have snow tires, chains, warning triangle... and, um...there's something else that's slipping my mind right now. Considering this is a very cold, snowy area when it's that time of year (such as now), DH and I had a long conversation about vehicles. We've come to the conclusion that his little Mitsubishi eclipse isn't the most logical choice. Not to mention I've never liked that car. So we started looking around at smaller SUVs, mainly hybrids, and we've decided on a Ford Escape Hybrid. It gets 34 mpg highway and 30 mpg city, which is better than his car. It's not too expensive compared to the others, but I still want to wait until we get the credit cards paid off and all the other bills taken care of. It's also not the Acura TL he was looking at, and I think he's still holding out on that one, lol. We'll see how it all works out I guess.

I'm super glad that Tricare(health insurance...really good insurance but a major pain in the ass when it comes to getting referrals and authorization... I guess it's a small price to pay for having to pay almost nothing) finally authorized my MRI for my ankle. I'm hoping it's nothing serious and just some tendonitis and a tear like the orthopedist said, and we can get whatever treatment is necessary done before my flight leaves on the 7th. So far Tricare has been mucho cooperative, which makes things sooo much nicer.

Each day is a little closer...

It's gotten down to less than 30 days before I leave, which is exciting and frightening all at the same time. My flight had to be changed so it got pushed out further, but that didn't happen till I'd already sent the personal property shipment. So now I have to pack a crap load of stuff that needs to go and ship it through the post office, and pay for it myself. I just sorted through the clothes I'm going to be keeping here, and my wardrobe is down to a quarter of my closet and about 5 pairs of jeans. About 5-7 shirts that I have are workout shirts, as well as other workout clothes (since I'm still hoping that after my appointment with the orthopedist I'll be able to use my ankle again... if not, those clothes are going too!). The amount of actual clothes that I'm keeping here to wear is phenomenally small. I'm keeping a pair of sneakers, flip flops(for quick runs outside), and a couple pairs of flats. I hate having to do this all so fast, but that means I get to leave and start my life in a whole new place where no one knows me and I don't have to deal with the BS here anymore. Sometimes I think that's the only thing keeping me going.