I know it's been a while since I've last posted. No, I haven't abandoned anyone...I've just been busy.
Germany is good. I'm loving it here, minus the language barrier. I'm hoping to take a German class this summer, but we'll see.
I dropped my classes for this term. 2 online classes was just too much for me to start out with...should have stuck with one. Oh well, I learned my lesson, and will be taking a face-to-face Hist. class and an online criminal justice class called the Psychology of Criminal Behavior. Super excited about that one, yo.
I've been having some issues finding a decent neurologist, but hopefully that will change soon. I'm taking it easy exercise wise because I've managed to strain my ankle that I've torn quite a bit in. But I'm doing physical therapy for that to build up the muscle so I don't damage the ligaments more.
Work is good. I've come to the conclusion that I can't please everyone, but if my boss asks, then yes, I am bending over backwards for EVERYONE. Which most cases I do try to help as much as I can. So far my good works have gone unmerited.
Keeping up with all the chores that maintaining a 2.5 room apartment brings is overwhelming at times. If I was any more ambitious (and didn't let the computer distract me as much) I'd probably have most of this done by now, but I'm working on it. It should be done before the end of the month, hopefully.
That's it for right now. I have laundry to change, dishes to unload, sheets to change, and CSI to watch, lol. Hope everyone else is doing well.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Friday, November 14, 2008
Rain on me
Every 2 minutes, another American is sexually assaulted. 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be victims of sexual assault or rape in their lifetime.
Almost 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim.
38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
28% are an intimate.
It's estimated that 60% of rapes go unreported- even more so in non-stranger rape.
I am a statistic. I am also one of those in the cases that were reported. I was never believed by anyone who had the power to do anything about it.
My counselor believes me. The victim's advocate as well. The forensic nurse that spent 6-8 hours with me, listening to my story as she got whatever evidence she could from my body believes me.
The police, however, still don't. My case will never go to trial. He will never be convicted for what he did to me. The only justice I have is not letting it destroy who I am, and my will to make it out not only alive, but as me.
I couldn't even get the court to grant me a restraining order against him. I was told by the judge to not go near him, not call him, not go to his place of business, just avoid him. And if he were to approach me, come after me? I was instructed to go the other way.
I was told by the detective to just 'admit' that I made it up, that I was jealous that he wouldn't lose his girlfriend to be with me, that I just wanted to get back at him. That I'd done this willingly and realized after the fact that I'd made a mistake, and this was my way of 'fixing' it. That I didn't really want to ruin an innocent person's life and future over my mistake.
My mistake. Yes, Next time I'll make sure to advertise that there is a possibility I'll run to the police and report it as rape. Because, you know, people like firefighters and police officers and EMT's and doctors would never do something as heinous as committing a rape.
So really, I'm just over reacting. Well, I find it interesting that El Medio told him to leave after this. Apparently they believe something is wrong. Of course, I'm just faking my trust issues, the crying and sobbing when I tell my story, the pain of having my heart, soul and everything I knew and believed ripped from me. I am just that good. At one point, I cared. I cared that they didn't believe me, I was willing to do nearly anything so that they would. Now, I don't. If they don't believe me, well that's shitty for them. I did what I was supposed to, to the best of my ability. I can't make anyone believe what they don't want to. When he does this again, that blood is on them, not me.
What I have a problem with is people's perception of rape. Most rapes are not stranger rape. 2/3 of rapes that occur are by people who are known to the victim beforehand. I was not kidnapped- I wasn't startled or taken by force. He used my trust and our relationship and past against me. He took my simple, whole hearted trust that he would not harm, or allow anyone or anything else to harm me, and turned that against me.
And even though most rapes are not instigated by a stranger, convincing a jury of an acquaintence rape is next to impossible.
This is 2008, not 1708. We as a culture and society should be past the stigmatisms that acquaintence rape just does not happen. There are monsters out there, and we are enabling them to keep doing what they're doing, to keep drugging and intoxicating and ruining lives to get what they want.
Think of all the women you know. Do you know 6? 12? 50? 100? Think of your mom, your sisters, aunts, cousins, best friends- imagine for every 6 of those women you know, at least 1 of them has either been raped or sexually assaulted, or will be in their lifetime.
True life-1 in 6 of all women will be raped or sexually assaulted at some point in their life. You may never know it. Why? This isn't just casual conversation. It's not something that just 'comes up'. It's not an acceptable topic. and I can't tell you that I know one person that went through this or something similar that isn't scared for one reason or another. I've lost people over this- not because I talked about it, but it changed me, and I couldn't stop it. And the ones I lost didn't care enough to inquire as to what was wrong, why I'd changed, and I wasn't about to use 'I was raped' as a sympathy line to keep them around.
In fact, I didn't write this to garner sympathy. I didn't do this for myself. I did this for the ones who are too afraid to speak up, who are afraid they won't be believed, or no one will listen, or that there's no one to help them. I may have gotten through this, but there is someone out there who won't. Someone who doesn't have the resources they need to live through the tragedy and survive. Those are the ones I worry about, I pain over. There is always someone there, 24/7. There are rape crisis hotlines and centers, and RAINN.org has listings of counselors and even an online help center to get you what you need. You are not the only one.
And if you've read this far, his name is Jason Scott Long. He's 27, 6'2", 180 Lbs. I don't know where he's currently living, but I'm guessing it's in Northern California, probably Chico. He's worked construction and just graduated from the fire academy, and is probably going through the POST academy to become a fire investigator. Oh yeah, and he's a cocky son of a bitch.
Almost 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim.
38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
28% are an intimate.
It's estimated that 60% of rapes go unreported- even more so in non-stranger rape.
I am a statistic. I am also one of those in the cases that were reported. I was never believed by anyone who had the power to do anything about it.
My counselor believes me. The victim's advocate as well. The forensic nurse that spent 6-8 hours with me, listening to my story as she got whatever evidence she could from my body believes me.
The police, however, still don't. My case will never go to trial. He will never be convicted for what he did to me. The only justice I have is not letting it destroy who I am, and my will to make it out not only alive, but as me.
I couldn't even get the court to grant me a restraining order against him. I was told by the judge to not go near him, not call him, not go to his place of business, just avoid him. And if he were to approach me, come after me? I was instructed to go the other way.
I was told by the detective to just 'admit' that I made it up, that I was jealous that he wouldn't lose his girlfriend to be with me, that I just wanted to get back at him. That I'd done this willingly and realized after the fact that I'd made a mistake, and this was my way of 'fixing' it. That I didn't really want to ruin an innocent person's life and future over my mistake.
My mistake. Yes, Next time I'll make sure to advertise that there is a possibility I'll run to the police and report it as rape. Because, you know, people like firefighters and police officers and EMT's and doctors would never do something as heinous as committing a rape.
So really, I'm just over reacting. Well, I find it interesting that El Medio told him to leave after this. Apparently they believe something is wrong. Of course, I'm just faking my trust issues, the crying and sobbing when I tell my story, the pain of having my heart, soul and everything I knew and believed ripped from me. I am just that good. At one point, I cared. I cared that they didn't believe me, I was willing to do nearly anything so that they would. Now, I don't. If they don't believe me, well that's shitty for them. I did what I was supposed to, to the best of my ability. I can't make anyone believe what they don't want to. When he does this again, that blood is on them, not me.
What I have a problem with is people's perception of rape. Most rapes are not stranger rape. 2/3 of rapes that occur are by people who are known to the victim beforehand. I was not kidnapped- I wasn't startled or taken by force. He used my trust and our relationship and past against me. He took my simple, whole hearted trust that he would not harm, or allow anyone or anything else to harm me, and turned that against me.
And even though most rapes are not instigated by a stranger, convincing a jury of an acquaintence rape is next to impossible.
This is 2008, not 1708. We as a culture and society should be past the stigmatisms that acquaintence rape just does not happen. There are monsters out there, and we are enabling them to keep doing what they're doing, to keep drugging and intoxicating and ruining lives to get what they want.
Think of all the women you know. Do you know 6? 12? 50? 100? Think of your mom, your sisters, aunts, cousins, best friends- imagine for every 6 of those women you know, at least 1 of them has either been raped or sexually assaulted, or will be in their lifetime.
True life-1 in 6 of all women will be raped or sexually assaulted at some point in their life. You may never know it. Why? This isn't just casual conversation. It's not something that just 'comes up'. It's not an acceptable topic. and I can't tell you that I know one person that went through this or something similar that isn't scared for one reason or another. I've lost people over this- not because I talked about it, but it changed me, and I couldn't stop it. And the ones I lost didn't care enough to inquire as to what was wrong, why I'd changed, and I wasn't about to use 'I was raped' as a sympathy line to keep them around.
In fact, I didn't write this to garner sympathy. I didn't do this for myself. I did this for the ones who are too afraid to speak up, who are afraid they won't be believed, or no one will listen, or that there's no one to help them. I may have gotten through this, but there is someone out there who won't. Someone who doesn't have the resources they need to live through the tragedy and survive. Those are the ones I worry about, I pain over. There is always someone there, 24/7. There are rape crisis hotlines and centers, and RAINN.org has listings of counselors and even an online help center to get you what you need. You are not the only one.
And if you've read this far, his name is Jason Scott Long. He's 27, 6'2", 180 Lbs. I don't know where he's currently living, but I'm guessing it's in Northern California, probably Chico. He's worked construction and just graduated from the fire academy, and is probably going through the POST academy to become a fire investigator. Oh yeah, and he's a cocky son of a bitch.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Shopping day!!
I finally went grocery shopping without the husband.
For those who aren't married, and don't know how huge this is, it's really monumental. Just believe me on this.
Of course, me being, well... me, I have no clue what kitchen/cooking necessities I actually need outside of salt, pepper, oil, vinegar...flour, sugar...yeah, that's about it. So I went around aimlessly, trying to find stuff that wasn't perishable that I could keep at home and use later. We also needed fresh fruit and veggies, so that went too.
And $143.83 later (and that's commissary prices!! for those non-military folk reading this, it would cost probably...oh, at least $200-225 normally.), We have food!! Our cupboards are no longer (well.. mostly) bare!! Good thing, all this food should last us a while. Hopefully. I have to remember I'm feeding a man here, so we'll see how long it REALLY lasts.
I also gave in and picked up the prepackaged cookie mixes. In an attempt to make friends around this joint, I'm going to make cookies and give a dozen to each apartment in our little complex. I'm hoping to do that tomorrow, or monday at the latest.
Tomorrow-Sunday they're having a holiday bazaar here on post, so that will give me something to do. Sat. we're planning on going to Regensberg to the IKEA, and a couple shops around the IKEA to check out furniture. I at least want curtains/blinds/something to keep prying eyes away by the time he goes downrange...which I believe is do-able.
I'm tired... and started reading Twilight yet again until the other 2 books arrive, so I need to go obsess some more ;).
For those who aren't married, and don't know how huge this is, it's really monumental. Just believe me on this.
Of course, me being, well... me, I have no clue what kitchen/cooking necessities I actually need outside of salt, pepper, oil, vinegar...flour, sugar...yeah, that's about it. So I went around aimlessly, trying to find stuff that wasn't perishable that I could keep at home and use later. We also needed fresh fruit and veggies, so that went too.
And $143.83 later (and that's commissary prices!! for those non-military folk reading this, it would cost probably...oh, at least $200-225 normally.), We have food!! Our cupboards are no longer (well.. mostly) bare!! Good thing, all this food should last us a while. Hopefully. I have to remember I'm feeding a man here, so we'll see how long it REALLY lasts.
I also gave in and picked up the prepackaged cookie mixes. In an attempt to make friends around this joint, I'm going to make cookies and give a dozen to each apartment in our little complex. I'm hoping to do that tomorrow, or monday at the latest.
Tomorrow-Sunday they're having a holiday bazaar here on post, so that will give me something to do. Sat. we're planning on going to Regensberg to the IKEA, and a couple shops around the IKEA to check out furniture. I at least want curtains/blinds/something to keep prying eyes away by the time he goes downrange...which I believe is do-able.
I'm tired... and started reading Twilight yet again until the other 2 books arrive, so I need to go obsess some more ;).
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Rambling.
Apparently, my husband doesn't see me as who I am. For some reason (that was made VERY apparent today, might I add), he sees me as pretty much a damsel in distress, like I need to be saved.
I have never, and will never NEED (or want, for that matter) to be saved. Puh-leese.
This might be a new way of life, for both of us-me being married to the military, and him just being married and realizing it's NOT all about him anymore. There is definitely a power struggle. The military designates him as being the number one, you're supposed to do it all for your wife, blah blah blah, and I'm neatly listed as the 'dependent'. I find that ironic, but oh well.
We were doing my inprocessing today, and he pretty much acted like I was a little lost puppy with everything we went and did. Hello-just head me in the right direction, and I can find it myself. Or don't, I'll find someone to ask. I can get by without anything, without anyone to show me the way. This has never and will never be a problem. I'm not just independent though- I'm a go-er and a do-er. I move and shake things- if it's not happening for me, then I'll make it happen. I don't wait for it to drop in my lap and then ask 'well, what do I do now?'.
About halfway through today, I think he started realizing this. I'm not a follower. Sure, I'll follow when I have to, but put me in a leadership position, and I'm off and running. That's just who I am, and I don't know if he just didn't realize that, or it scares him that I'm not going to just sit around and wait wistfully until he comes home-I'm going to be out there busting my butt, going to school, volunteering or working, and traveling to kill the time.
Either way, I'm not changing.
On other topics, my internal clock is off, not because of jetlag, but because of how little daylight we have. It doesn't get light till about 7:30-8, and is dark about 5 at the latest. I miss the sun so much.
It's also cold over here, although I was told that today (45 degrees) is great weather. Then I explained that I was from California, and got this pitiful look. I just nodded and said 'I know. It gets worse.'.
WE'RE GETTING A STARBUCKS SOON!!!!!! YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Funny how that tops my list of exciting things around here.
I talked to the University of Maryland rep here today, and called the office in Heidelberg and got that all taken care of. Now I pay my application fee and fill out an app to have an official evaluation, and then I get to take classes!! If it wasn't for my choice of doing a double major, I'd probably be done in about 3 semesters or less. However, I love self inflicted torture. So not looking forward to the stats class, writing, or history...so those will be the first taken this next semester. Lovely.
FRG MEETING!!! It's tonight. I can't wait!! I so want to meet other wives in this platoon. Ooooh goodie:) I'll be nice tonight, but anyone being a complete bitch by the next time is getting the cold shoulder and a thorough bitching out if it's taken out on me.
I also take my driving test tomorrow-FREEDOM, HERE I COME!!!
Ok, I'm going now...hope someone can make some sense of this ;)
I have never, and will never NEED (or want, for that matter) to be saved. Puh-leese.
This might be a new way of life, for both of us-me being married to the military, and him just being married and realizing it's NOT all about him anymore. There is definitely a power struggle. The military designates him as being the number one, you're supposed to do it all for your wife, blah blah blah, and I'm neatly listed as the 'dependent'. I find that ironic, but oh well.
We were doing my inprocessing today, and he pretty much acted like I was a little lost puppy with everything we went and did. Hello-just head me in the right direction, and I can find it myself. Or don't, I'll find someone to ask. I can get by without anything, without anyone to show me the way. This has never and will never be a problem. I'm not just independent though- I'm a go-er and a do-er. I move and shake things- if it's not happening for me, then I'll make it happen. I don't wait for it to drop in my lap and then ask 'well, what do I do now?'.
About halfway through today, I think he started realizing this. I'm not a follower. Sure, I'll follow when I have to, but put me in a leadership position, and I'm off and running. That's just who I am, and I don't know if he just didn't realize that, or it scares him that I'm not going to just sit around and wait wistfully until he comes home-I'm going to be out there busting my butt, going to school, volunteering or working, and traveling to kill the time.
Either way, I'm not changing.
On other topics, my internal clock is off, not because of jetlag, but because of how little daylight we have. It doesn't get light till about 7:30-8, and is dark about 5 at the latest. I miss the sun so much.
It's also cold over here, although I was told that today (45 degrees) is great weather. Then I explained that I was from California, and got this pitiful look. I just nodded and said 'I know. It gets worse.'.
WE'RE GETTING A STARBUCKS SOON!!!!!! YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Funny how that tops my list of exciting things around here.
I talked to the University of Maryland rep here today, and called the office in Heidelberg and got that all taken care of. Now I pay my application fee and fill out an app to have an official evaluation, and then I get to take classes!! If it wasn't for my choice of doing a double major, I'd probably be done in about 3 semesters or less. However, I love self inflicted torture. So not looking forward to the stats class, writing, or history...so those will be the first taken this next semester. Lovely.
FRG MEETING!!! It's tonight. I can't wait!! I so want to meet other wives in this platoon. Ooooh goodie:) I'll be nice tonight, but anyone being a complete bitch by the next time is getting the cold shoulder and a thorough bitching out if it's taken out on me.
I also take my driving test tomorrow-FREEDOM, HERE I COME!!!
Ok, I'm going now...hope someone can make some sense of this ;)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Twilight
I picked up the first book for the flight here- and ended up reading half of it before I even left, so I bought the second as well, and finished both before I touched down in Frankfurt. Such a good series, Stephenie Meyer is an awesome writer. She really draws the reader in and makes you feel like you're a fly on the wall that can see and hear and feel everything-I actually ached for Edward and Bella, and their situation. When I found out there was a movie, well, I wasn't too sure. It takes some creative genius to create something that will hold true to the book. The trailer really has me hopeful, but I have to wait almost a month later than the US release date to catch it in the UK. I'm sooo excited over this- you don't even know. The only thing more exciting is waiting for the last 2 books to come.
In which I begin to question if it's REALLY worth the experience...
NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For the love of all things that are holy, sacred to the American way of life, and at the same time, keeping me sane, WHY?????
I just found out that I can't watch House, Desperate Housewives, Fringe or CSI or any other American show over here. Not even online.
I think I might die. This is torture. And complete bullshit.
Hmm... I wonder if I can still buy them off iTunes. I'll get back on that one.
EDIT: For the love of all things holy, good, sacred and just downright keeping me sane and in touch with the motherland, I CAN BUY EPISODES ON iTUNES STILL!!!!!!! YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
I might just die of joy now. I sure as hell hope they're worth the $2.99 they're going for.
But who can put a price on sanity? Not I.
For the love of all things that are holy, sacred to the American way of life, and at the same time, keeping me sane, WHY?????
I just found out that I can't watch House, Desperate Housewives, Fringe or CSI or any other American show over here. Not even online.
I think I might die. This is torture. And complete bullshit.
Hmm... I wonder if I can still buy them off iTunes. I'll get back on that one.
EDIT: For the love of all things holy, good, sacred and just downright keeping me sane and in touch with the motherland, I CAN BUY EPISODES ON iTUNES STILL!!!!!!! YEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
I might just die of joy now. I sure as hell hope they're worth the $2.99 they're going for.
But who can put a price on sanity? Not I.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I don't feel like it.
I was making dinner tonight, when I casually asked SB if he still planned on moving the bed to the other bedroom like he had stated earlier.
His response- 'I don't feel like it right now'.
The whole reason for him moving the bedroom we're in now to the other bedroom is that the one we're in has a window that faces the street-with no curtains or blinds. There are lots of people that are out there at any given time. Meaning, I can't even get dressed in my own room without being seen by who knows how many people.
I felt like saying 'well, I don't feel like making dinner'. But I'd already started. So I continued, even though I'm the one who put everything up, unpacked most of it, did the dishes, swept and mopped (although he claims to have swept. haha), and now here I am, making your dinner, and you tell me you don't feel like it?
Well, guess what I don't feel like doing tonight....ha.
His response- 'I don't feel like it right now'.
The whole reason for him moving the bedroom we're in now to the other bedroom is that the one we're in has a window that faces the street-with no curtains or blinds. There are lots of people that are out there at any given time. Meaning, I can't even get dressed in my own room without being seen by who knows how many people.
I felt like saying 'well, I don't feel like making dinner'. But I'd already started. So I continued, even though I'm the one who put everything up, unpacked most of it, did the dishes, swept and mopped (although he claims to have swept. haha), and now here I am, making your dinner, and you tell me you don't feel like it?
Well, guess what I don't feel like doing tonight....ha.
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